If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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