Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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