I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
