On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
