I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
