i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
