good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Randomize
