woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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