I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
