This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
