I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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