I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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