So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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