you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
