I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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