did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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