ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
