she woke up with a sticky ear
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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