She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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