I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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