someone threw a dead crab at me
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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