She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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