Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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