I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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