note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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