i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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