Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Me too!
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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