my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
