i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
