Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize