I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
you will always have a special place in my vag
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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