My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
