So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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