For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You've changed since you got that strap on
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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