I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
