I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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