Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
