Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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