Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
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