getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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