i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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