I love black thongs
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
