I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
