I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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