just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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