"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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