i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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