Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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