currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
