I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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