I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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