I met the friendliest cop last night
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
