Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
