thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
