I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize