Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
