At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
