My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize