I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
