Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
