I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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