he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
