Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
