Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize