I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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