my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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