y did u give ur computer a hand job?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
