Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
