Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
